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True History: Pineapple on Pizza
The True History series consists of in-depth, totally accurate research. Each instance is fastidiously researched using reliable indicators of record such as lying, exaggeration, and deceit. All True History articles are guaranteed to be poorly researched, with cognitive bias and ego dispersed throughout.
History is replete with atrocities: the sack of Rome by the Visigoths (they didn’t always sit in their room blasting death metal and wearing heavy makeup), the bizarre Count Chocula release interval, and not being able to get a PlayStation 5 due to bots and scalpers in 2021. But no historical atrocity compares to the inscrutable savagery of putting pineapple on to a pizza. I know what you’re thinking, smart ass, because I’m a smart ass too. You’re thinking that tomatoes are bOtAnIcAlLy a fruit and therefore are also considered fruit on a pizza. Well, have you ever thought about SHUTTING UP?!! This is my show, so buck up, Buckaroo. Anyway, pineapple on pizza is bad and wrong and its constituency clearly has failing taste buds (they should get that checked out).
The Pineapple
The pineapple is actually innocent in this tale of dastardly culinary acts. The humble pineapple, neither pine nor apple, and definitely not the “piña” or pine cone that Spaniards described as they went on a murderous rampage through the Americas on a quest…
