Let me clue you in to the secrets of my success in terms of being dumb fun, Phillip. I wake up and 4:30 AM every morning and mix 2 scoops of PowerBro energy drink with some fight milk, açai berries, and goji berries. That calms the free radicals down so I can power through my morning workout: 3.5 shitty push-ups.

During my workout, I listen to an audiobook because textual literacy is for wusses who work in cube farms. Usually I listen to nonfiction so I can quote a line or two to make me seem smart at parties.

The kind of parties where everyone wanks everyone else off verbally. Then they go off into a corner to talk shit about whomever isn't in the corner at the moment.

Around lunch, my personal chef whips up a meat-based lunch because carbs are also for wusses. If god wanted us to eat carbs, he would have made it rain down (Exodus 16:4).

At night, I smoke a blunt and think about how hard it is to be a comedian in the modern age. There are only 1000 funny people on the planet and me and all my drunk and stoned moronic podcasting friends are it.

So there you have it, life tips from Victor.